You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
