God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize