What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
