In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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