Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
