I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
