I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Two words: blizzard sex
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize