dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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