why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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