How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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