yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
