she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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