Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
