Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
