You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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