Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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