I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
