something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
