broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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