omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
COCAINE IS GR8
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
