my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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