Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
This baby is an asshole
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
