2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
