no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
