she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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