i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
