The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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