I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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