if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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