saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
