sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
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