Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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