I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize