I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
