i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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