there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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