today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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