Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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