I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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