My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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