alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
