I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
