So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
