just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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