dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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