Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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