the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize