a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Randomize
