she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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