I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
