you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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