Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
