He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
