i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
