we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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