so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
