If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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