So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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