i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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