I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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