if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize