his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
