We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
