No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
