I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
