I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
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