It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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