Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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